We talk about “coming out” like it is a single act or event. But coming out, and being out, is not a destination; it is a journey. It is a series of moments, of choices, of tests and challenges about being true to oneself. Coming out, and being out, is about owning your value, and owning the validity of your relationships and your family despite the people and systems that tell you that there is something wrong with you, that you are less than; or, that you are tolerated, but still don’t deserve the rights and privileges of everyone else. It is about deciding how vulnerable you make yourself in routine discussions with a neighbor, the insurance company, or the hair dresser. These are the little moments of revelation that most people take for granted, but they can have significant implications.
Like everything, changing attitudes take time. We are seeing change come at an amazing rate: same-sex marriage in Washington, DC, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. There are definitely achievements to be celebrated. The journey is much less fraught than it once was for some; but for others, it is still perilous. And all too often, it comes down to a matter of resources. If one can afford the legal process, one’s relationship and family can be protected. With the benefit of choice in employment, one can choose to work for an employer that does not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation. Economically self-sufficient women (and men) have more security in coming out of heterosexual relationships because they are not bound to, or dependent on, the financial security and benefits those relationships provide in the current environment. Finally, coming out for young people in un-accepting families can mean homelessness and exposure to dangerous situations because they don’t have a safe space to go once they have come out.
As we celebrate National Coming Out Day, I also want to remember that coming out is just the beginning of the journey. There is a lot that we need to do to ensure that the journey is a safe and fulfilling one for travelers brave enough to embark upon it.
Nicole Cozier is the philanthropic education officer at Washington Area Women’s Foundation.
